Ok, so Saturday night I went to a "story party." Essentially, the deal was that we would eat potluck, and then everyone would share a story with the group. It could be anything we wanted, the only restriction being that it needed to be between 5-30 minutes in length. I had planned on telling a fictional story, but it quickly became apparent that everyone else was going to tell a story from their own lives. I chickened out on my bit of fiction (based on true events though it may have been), and told some lame thing about jury duty. Anyway, since I took the time to write the damn thing, I figure I might as well throw it out there for the world to enjoy or ignore as it sees fit.
It was late afternoon, and Otis was sitting outside the mall eating an early dinner. It was Thursday, so he was washing down his Subway sandwich with an Orange Julius. He had spread a napkin across his lap so that he wouldn’t spill anything on his polyester slacks. After three years as a mall security guard, he had learned how embarrassing it could be to spill anything on them. He was about halfway through his turkey club, when he heard two men talking excitedly as they exited the mall. They weren’t speaking English, and when Otis turned his head he realized that they must be from the Middle East. Immediately suspicious, he shouted “Hey, what are you guys talking about?”The shorter of the two men whirled around and yelled, “None of your fucking business. You got a problem with us, you come over here!” He stopped only briefly to glare at Otis, and then kept moving towards the parking lot. Otis was a little taken aback by this reaction, and nearly spilled his Orange Julius on his shoes. He decided not to pursue the matter, but as the two men pulled away in their Dodge Stratus he made a note of the license plate number.
After throwing away the rest of his sandwich, Otis headed back into the mall and made his way over to the police substation. He was convinced that those two Arabs were up to something, but was also well aware that his jurisdiction pretty much ended at the end of the parking lot. If he told the police about it they’d be able to take care of it.
At the substation, Sergeant Franklin looked up just in time to see Otis coming from across the food court. He said, “Hey, Bill-- I gotta piss. You mind watching things here for a second?” Bill grunted a vaguely positive reaction, only to look up and see Otis walk through the door and give him a snappy salute. He cussed under his breath, then said “Hi Otis. What can I do for you today?” When Otis didn’t move he continued, “Uh…at ease, Otis.”
Staring straight ahead, Otis said, “Sir, I believe two terrorists have just left the mall. I have the license and description of their vehicle right here.” He flashed his “Spongebob Squarepants” notebook and looked at him expectantly.
“Terrorists?”
“Yes, sir. They were shouting at each other as they left the mall, and refused to answer my questions as to their intentions. One of them was about 6 foot 4, and full of muscle. The other one was shorter. I think he was the leader. They were driving a Dodge Stratus from Enterprise, license number—“
Bill interrupted him. “Hang on, Otis. Now what exactly makes you think these guys were terrorists again?”
“Sir, they were two Arab men who acted very hostile.”
Bill took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying not to sound irritated. “Otis, just because someone is pissed off doesn’t necessarily make them a terrorist.”
Otis seemed to waver slightly. “Yes, sir. I know that, but my spi- er, I just have a hunch, is all.”
Bill sighed. “Ok, Otis. Tell you what. If you can read me the license number of the car, we’ll look into it, ok?”
Bill wrote down the license number as Otis read it to him, and made a mental note to kick Frank’s ass. When he finished, he said, “Thanks, Otis. We’ll run this through the computer and see what turns up.” When Otis continued to stand in front of him, he added “Uh…good work, Otis. Dismissed.” Otis spun around on his heel and strode out of the substation, his back ramrod straight.
As the door closed behind him, Otis remembered that he hadn’t given a description of the terrorists. He turned around to talk to the police again, and as he did he caught Bill crumpling up a piece of paper and tossing it into the trash. His heart sank. Just once he’d like for those guys to take him seriously. He sighed and looked at his watch. It was time for him to go back on duty anyway.
At the end of his shift, Otis walked into the break room and plopped down into a chair, looking disgusted. The night guard was in another chair working on a crossword puzzle. As Otis walked in he put down his it down and said, “Hey, Otis—what’s up?”
“Aw, nothin’. I saw a couple terrorists today, but when I told the police about it I don’t think they believed me.”
“What? Terrorists?”
“Yeah. They were leaving the mall talking Ayrab, and sounded real mad. When I asked them what they were doing, I thought they were going to kill me. My spidey-sense was tingling and everything.”
Harold laughed. “Man, that’s not your spidey-sense, that’s Selsun Blue.”
Otis looked hurt. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, sure. So anyway—what’d the police say when you told them about it?”
“Nothin’ really, just that they’d look up the license number and see what came up.” He left out the part about the note going in the garbage.
“Huh. So what makes you think they don’t believe you?”
Otis shrugged his shoulders. Harold pondered him for a moment. He was older than Otis by about ten years, and had been working as a security guard for a lot longer than him, too. He knew that in the best of times the police didn’t always respect their opinions, especially when they were unsolicited. He said, “Well, if you’re sure they’re terrorists, why don’t you call the FBI?”
Otis looked at him like he’d never heard of the FBI before. “The FBI? You think so?”
“Sure, why not? Terrorists are more of an FBI thing anyway.”
“But it’s after 5. Are they still there?”
Harold shrugged. “Hell if I know. If nothing else you can leave a message for them.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I think I’ll do that. Thanks.” He walked over to the phone and started flipping through the phone book hanging on a chain next to it. He dialed the number of the local FBI office, and waited for someone to answer. “It’s ringing,” he whispered to Harold. Harold gave him a thumbs-up signal.
Of course, since it was after 5:00, his phone call got routed to voice mail. “You have reached the FBI office in Athens, Georgia. Our office hours are 8 to 5 Monday through Friday. If this is an emergency, please call 1-800-555-6833. Otherwise leave a message at the tone.” Unfortunately, Otis didn’t hear most of this because he was busy whispering to Harold.
“I got their answering machine! What should I do?”
“Well, leave a message!”
“Ok!”
“-essage at the tone. … beep!”
“Uh, yeah. This is Otis Crankengescheitmeyer, social security number 653-77-9384. I am calling to report two suspected terrorists last seen at the Georgia Square Mall, driving a Dodge Stratus, license plate number FYG 7934. Both are Ayrabs. One is approximately 6 foor 4 inches, the other about 5 foot 10 inches. Both have dark hair. Uh…I think they’re dangerous. You can call me at 555-4426 for more information. Uh…bye.” Otis hung up, his heart pounding in his chest.
As Harold folded his newspaper and got ready to head out on rounds, he said, “Well, there you go. That should take care of it.” Otis just nodded and smiled at him, then grabbed his jacket and went home for the night.
The next day as Otis was eating his lunch he heard a couple of African American males talking excitedly. He said, “Hey, what are you guys talking about?”
This is crappy. Apparently Disney is working on sequels (direct to video?) to several Pixar films. Not that sequels have to be bad, but Disney's track record with them is pretty bad-- especially with the direct to video releases. I have no evidence of this, but I almost wonder if this is somehow tied to the recent Disney/Pixar split. I've heard from other sources that they're still talking, and this could be something Disney could use as a bargaining chip.
This made me laugh.
(thanks to woot)
JK another great success so far! 106 donations totalling $8630.03!
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[Eschaton]
I saw the headline referred to in this, and had the same thought. If it's full it can't be limited, and if it's limited it's not full. Hello. In the same vein, over at Kos there's a piece pointing at a WSJ article that pretty much argues the June 30 "transfer of sovereignty" won't mean diddly. He wonders why the press is acting like it's going to be a significant date. The answer to that is probably pretty simple-- the administration is saying that it's significant, so the press goes along with it. What's perhaps ironic about this is that even if June 30 turns out to not be important in terms of actually giving Iraqis control over their own country, it will be important in that there are now certain expectations attached to that date. Maybe not for people like Kos or those paying attention, but for the great majority of Americans only half-aware of what's going on there's going to be some disappointment. And Iraqis...well, they'll have one more broken promise to point at.
I just submitted a bio for the "Athens Picture Show" program, which will be including "Failing the Dover Test." I find writing bios to be weird anyway, and doing it in 2-3 sentences is particularly surreal. How the heck do you sum up three and a half decades of life with less than a sentence per decade? Fortunately, much of my life isn't terribly relevant to the event, so I can leave out most of it. Here's what I came up with:
Jason arrived in Athens in 2000 after a circuitous journey that included two Master's degrees from Indiana University and a brief stint moving stacks of cardboard 50 feet at a potato chip plant north of Kansas City. He currently works at UGA and also does freelance web and software development through Transparent Media, Inc.
The Bush gang have noted that Dubya's spill on his bike was due in part to there having been a lot of rain recently. A look at weather data shows something else, however. Maybe someone threw a pretzel under his tires...
Granted, it's a pretty obvious gag, but I always find it interesting when I make an attempt at humor and then find the pros making essentially the same joke.
George isn't quite ready to take the training wheels off.
Operation Take One for The Country is an organization promoting giving soldiers a send-off that's a little more intimate than a box of Mom's brownies.
Apparently there is no lack of volunteers for TOFTC outings. McDonough relates her findings, "There is some much societal pressure on getting a job, getting married, you know, getting ahead. I think there are a lot of gals out there that want to do something for the country, they may or may not support some aspects of foreign policy, but they want to feel like they contribute or make a difference. And this is a fun way to do it, . . . so to speak".
Sometimes I think my head is going to explode when I see this stuff.
For your psychoanalytical pleasure, here's a Flash version of the Rorschach Test. To see a new sex picture "ink blot" just click anywhere on the movie.
You may also want to read up on the real thing.
Eric Idle gets political. It's not "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," but it's a cute ditty nonetheless. There's an abundance of F'ing, so you might want to use headphones.
Heh.
Don't watch this German car ad. I did, and it almost killed me.
Fine. Watch it then. But you can't say I didn't warn you.
(via the crazy Nika) [ni.vu.ni.connu - Martine]
How not to remove a dead whale. Apparently Dave Barry readers may be aware of this already, but this is the first I heard about it.
A silly site about cicadas. Here's a taste:
FACT: Cicadas are vicious killers.FACT: Cicadas prey on innocent children and pets.
FACT: Cicadas are seething with deadly venom and flesh-eating bacteria.
FACT: This year Cicadas in Cincinnati will kill more people than snakes, spiders, scorpions, and sharks combined!
Having experienced one of these cicada infestations, I can attest that while truly biblical in scope, the bugs themselves are actually harmless. They're not the most graceful of flyers, and it does sometimes seem like they're trying to kamikaze you, but aside from the shock of a giant bug suddenly smacking you in the face they don't actually hurt. However, they do produce the most deafening noise I've ever heard outside a rock concert or power plant. I don't know what it's like in a urban setting like Cincinnati, but in Athens (Ohio) the trees were at times completely covered with the little red-eyed buggers, with every single one singing it's little heart out. They had a clip on NPR last weekend talking about them, but the audio didn't really capture it. Imagine millions of tiny Jim Carreys perched in the trees all making that sound from "Dumb & Dumber" at the top of their lungs, and maybe you'll capture it.
This has been showing up in Google queries for a while now, but now it's official. Moveon.org has posted the top 150 entries in the "Bush in 30 Seconds" contest, and my entry comes in at, yes, 115. That puts me in roughly the top 10% of all entries, which is pretty cool.
This one's called "Seeds." Scaling is controlled by mouse position, so you can play around with it to get some different looks.
This is a fascinating read. I learned about it from a Salon.com article, which describes it this way:
In 1992, Gen. Powell, chairman of the Joint Chiefs, awarded the prize for his Strategy Essay Competition at the National Defense University to Lt. Col. Charles J. Dunlap for "The Origins of the American Military Coup of 2012." His cautionary tale imagined an incapable civilian government creating a vacuum that draws a competent military into a coup disastrous for democracy. The military, of course, is bound to uphold the Constitution. But Dunlap wrote: "The catastrophe that occurred on our watch took place because we failed to speak out against policies we knew were wrong. It's too late for me to do any more. But it's not for you." "The Origins of the American Military Coup of 2012" is being circulated today among top U.S. military strategists.
Some of the things predicted in the paper are a little backwards from how events have transpired, but there's a lot in there to think about. For example, there's a lot of concern about how involvement in non-war fighting activities (police work, humanitarian efforts, etc.) weakens the military as a fighting force. While I don't think this has come to pass, in the case of Iraq you could easily take the same notion and spin it around to note that people trained to kill make rotten cops.
This sounds like it will be a cool place to check out when in NY:
Jazz at Lincoln Center's Afro-Latin Jazz Orchestra will perform in a space that accommodates dancing. There will be simultaneous concerts in larger and smaller spaces dealing with single-composer themes: Dizzy Gillespie in October and Thad Jones next May. For jazz collaborations � with dance companies, with the Boys Choir of Harlem, with Bill Cosby and with the librettist and author Diane Charlotte Lampert � Rose Theater, the largest of the three performance spaces, will be adjusted accordingly. The ceiling can be dropped; towers of seats can be moved to offer a choice between theater in the round or the more conventional proscenium arrangement.
So the latest spin from the White House & assorted right-wingers is that the US abuse of prisoners in Iraq isn't that bad because after all, Saddam Hussein & terrorists do much worse. So aside from the freakishness of this argument coming from Mr. Moral Clarity (hello?), I think we should all look at this as an opportunity to loosen up a little:
And now for something completely different, a small Flash movie called "Foliage." It starts with a random color, so if you don't like how it looks, just refresh the page.
An excerpt from Dubya's endorsement of Rumsfeld:
"You are courageously leading our nation in the war against terror," Mr. Bush said after meeting at the Pentagon with Mr. Rumsfeld, who stood by his side during the president's remarks. "You're doing a superb job. You are a strong secretary of defense and our nation owes you a debt of gratitude."
I'm assuming that when he says gratitude, he's thinking along the lines of "Thank you sir, may I have another?"
Weird incident yesterday. As I was heading into our local mall, one of the mall cops was sitting outside (the one that kind of looks like an african-american Enos). Two Arab-looking guys came out of the mall talking in what I assume was Arabic. I didn't hear what the mall cop said to them, but all of a sudden one of the guys coming out of the mall started yelling at the cop, saying "None of your fucking business. You got a problem, come over here!" Much as I would have liked to turn around and watch the show from that point, I decided it might be best to keep going.
From Juan Cole:
Democracy is about more than elections. Most Middle Eastern countries already have elections. Tunisia, Egypt, Jordan, Yemen, all of them hold regular elections. They have parliaments, parties, campaigns. Two things make them nevertheless not democracies. The first is that their presidents manipulate the elections so that there is never any doubt that they will win the election and that their party will dominate parliament (even if space is made for minority parties to win a few seats). Second, their regimes have no accountability to the public. No one in Hosni Mubarak's government has ever had to resign because he performed his duties poorly. He might have to resign because he fell out with the president. But if he is buddy buddy with the head of state, then he can do no wrong.You really wonder whether the Bush plan to Americanize the Middle East isn't being turned on its head. We now have an unaccountable government not elected in accordance with the will of the majority of Americans, which victimizes critics like Joe Wilson and engages in torture. Bush and Co. are emulating the worst aspects of the military governments of Egypt and Yemen. They have no credibility to push the latter toward democracy.
Well, I'm not a bad motherfucker, but at least I'm not the Tarantino character, so that's something.
 .You talk fast, you think fast, you act fast. Stop. Calm Down. Drink some decaf and go back to hitting up liquor stores. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz. |
Funny ad. Helps if you understand French. You can find a translation from the page where I found the link.
Interesting note from Josh Marshall on Rumsfeld:
Let's say Rumsfeld resigns on Friday. The election is still six months away. And the nation is at war. So a new Defense Secretary would be needed more or less immediately. That would open up a very uncomfortable prospect for the administration.Confirmation hearings for a new Sec Def would, I think, inevitably turn into a national forum for discussing the management of the Pentagon, the planning for the war and the lack of planning for the occupation. The new nominee would be drawn into all sorts of uncomfortble public second-guessing of what's happened up until this point. Sure, that's stuff under Rumsfeld. But, really, it's stuff under Bush -- the civilian head of the United States military.
That, I have to imagine, is something the White House would like to avoid at any cost.
Sometimes random blog wandering can be awfully damn rewarding, such as when you find things like "Things My Math Teacher Did Last Year." Here are a few examples:
7. Brought a rope to class and tried to hold it up to demonstrate different graphs rather then drawing them on the board. Complications arose when she realized that she only had two hands.13. She explained 1-dimensional, 2-dimensional, and 3-dimensional objects. She then portrayed what a 2 1/2-dimensional object was by violently wadding up a piece of paper into a ball and holding it out to us. She later realized that she needed that piece of paper to make copies of the homework assignment for the class.
17. Admitted that half the math problems out there are just impossible.
My money's on the heavyset guy from Michigan. As the Bush family is fond of saying, "we've seen this movie before." Whatever you think about Michael Moore, he knows how to milk controversy, and he's a master of (self-)righteous indignation. I don't see how Disney can come away from this with anything but a black eye.
The Walt Disney Company is blocking its Miramax division from distributing a new documentary by Michael Moore that harshly criticizes President Bush. The film, Fahrenheit 911, links Mr. Bush and prominent Saudis — including the family of Osama bin Laden — and criticizes Mr. Bush's actions before and after the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Michael Moore. Disney. Miramax [New York Times: Movies]Disney's Goofy Miscalculation. Disney's Floridian tax breaks must be mighty lucrative. You've got to figure Disney's done the math: The negative publicity the company receives for prohibiting Miramax from distributing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 will not be translated into financial losses greater than... [GreenCine Daily] [Cinema Minima]
Jury duty's done. As one of the lawyers said, I was "called, but not chosen." Capitalize one of the Cs and it sounds positively mystical. The court only had one case this week, so they only needed 13 jurors. They whittled the pool down twice, first to cut the field down to something over 30, and then again down to 27. I was #28 in that second line, so just barely missed the cut. Anyway, it was an interesting enough way to spend the morning:
Holy crap!
Link:[Eschaton]
WASHINGTON - The chief of the U.S. Selective Service System has proposed registering women for the military draft and requiring that young Americans regularly inform the government about whether they have training in niche specialties needed in the armed services.
The proposal, which the agency's acting director Lewis Brodsky presented to senior Pentagon officials just before the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq, also seeks to extend the age of draft registration to 34, up from 25.
Fortunately (for me) nothing concrete is likely to happen with respect to the draft until well after I'm too ripe for Uncle Sam, but seeing as how with that age change I'd be eligible for the draft again, I have to say yikes!
Got called for jury duty this week, but have yet to have to show up anywhere. The instructions said to call for details last night, and that message said to call today between 11-12. When I called at 11:15, the message said to call tonight after 5. I guess it's better than having to sit in the courthouse all day long, but I'm finding the building anticipation nearly incapacitating.
Went to see Prince in concert last night. I'm a longtime fan, so this was a big deal for me. Thanks to MARTA we were late getting to the show, but it turned out to be ok. We missed the first part of the opening act, but did manage to catch the last two songs..."The Bird" and "Jungle Love." Yes, the opening band was The Time. I got a kick out of that.
Anyway, the show had pretty much everything I expected. The stage layout was in the round, with a big X in the middle raised slightly above an octagon where the rest of the band retreated on occasion. They used every inch of that stage, running all over the place giving everyone something to look at. And of course the music was amazing. The highlight for me was the acoustic portion, with just Prince and his guitar running through "Little Red Corvette," "Cream," "Forever in My Life," something from his new album (I think), and a tease of "Adore" that he used to intro into a cover I didn't recognize where Prince simply played backup to the entire arena (well, everyone but Chandra & me) singing the song.
Just don't ask me about the ride back on MARTA.
